Design of life...

Hey..wrote this piece for a journal.

Life for me has been an amazing series of episodes,which have happened when they did.


Clearly,there is a plan...

And all that I need to do,is stop coming in the way of fulfilling it.

I have discovered,that failure and success are but expressions of our judgment,made in the narrow context of immediate wants and needs...

These perceived failures and successes give rise to AHAM...



My AHAM...plays out in various forms..ARROGANCE, HOPELESSNESS, JEALOUSY, RAGE...



Life ironically pays no heed...It keeps flowing...takes its course...inspite of me carrying my baggage of AHAM..It just makes my journey tedious and tiring...

On the other hand,when in moments I manage to flow with life,traveling light,giving a miss to my AHAM...The journey is full of joy,peace and bliss,like how I want my life to be.


A friend of mine shared,'The road is my destination" is what Chilean Highway truckers who spend their life driving up and down Route5 ,the longest highway in the country write on the back of their truck...


I share with you one "millimeter stone" during my drive through highway life...

Since my school days I was clear that I loved acting.

Encouraged by my parents,I participated in theater workshops for children,was doing plays with eminent directors and even traveling to perform...

School plays gave way to productions with professionally trained groups by the time I was studying History in college.

The three college years saw me spending all my post college hours( from 12noon to nearly midnight)with my theater group...rehearsing, and watching plays and films,engaging in discussions,reading classic scripts of films and plays,theater games,working on voice,diction...


I had found my calling...ACTING...I loved it.I was enjoying each moment as I edged towards my goal of joining the National School Of Drama (N.S.D.)

Nothing could keep me away...My parents were supportive,my peers were encouraging,I was preparing for the entrance...Plays,literature,

films,discussions...

And then it happened...I was thrown out of my group.

The group which gave me my existence,my base,my training would have no more of me...I was out.

I was hurt,angry upset and completely vindictive to the point of self destruct...

I said I will never act again and started assisting behind the camera...

This continued for a year...I assisted noted TV producer Vinod dua and documentary maker Mike pandey.

During this time I set my eyes on the Jamia Miliya and its latest addition the course in Mass communication.

My watching numerous films,working with eminent news producers and extensive work in post production gave me a treasure of experience which made my getting admission an absolute walk over.

The first was a written exam which required us to watch a film and answer some questions about the content and the way it was made...This was a basic test to weed out anyone who did not have any interest or had no aptitude towards cinema.

The next was the gruel ling interview with an eminent panel in the form a workshop...This was the crunch test which was to separate the wheat from the chaff to gain entry into the institute.

I was confident in my preparation and my peers and bosses whom I worked with,gave me glowing letters of reference on the basis of how I had worked with them.

The preliminary exam was a cakewalk.

We were shown a film I had seen before,the questions were very simple and I answered with flourish.

Now it was the interview which stood between me and admission and my future as a television producer of shows.

The plan was that we,a group of fellow aspirants would go to Jamia, collect the results of the preliminary test and then go and watch a film and have a discussion on it as a mock for the final interview.


The plan was not to be.

The result showed I had failed in the preliminary basic test,which was meant to test the basic knowledge and aptitude towards films.

I could not believe my eyes..Nor could anyone for whom I had worked with or known me...

Till today I do not know how I failed in that basic test..

But I know I got back to acting,was amongst the 18 selected amidst hundreds who had applied for the NSD..

Today I have made a proffession out of my passion..I spend day in and out with my first love...acting.

There was someone or something 24 years back,which thwarted my desire to self destruct,to choose another profession not because I liked it,but because I was angry with some people.


Over the years I am now consistently present to a design...a design for me and for others around me...

And ever so much I realize each day,I am actually a conduit to fulfill...what I am to fulfill.

I choose it.


Thank you for being with me..